34 years

To live is to endure hardships beyond the understanding of your age and wisdom. When everyday is the same as the last, life can seem quite the doldrum affair. It’s funny that Apple and Google have spent millions of dollars to create software to predict where I will be, how long I’ll be there, and how long it might take me to get home. The existence of the software is nothing short of fantastical, as many of our technological advancements are, but a five year old with a crayon and a piece of paper could predict many of our schedules. On a very basic level, life can feel boring and not worth living.

Can you imagine, feeling like this rare chance at existence is anything other than a blessing? I think most of us can, from time to time. The darkness that stabs at us from the shadows is also what tends to sober us in these most depressively intoxicated hours.  From the plague filled darkness comes what can best be described as an existential awakening. Maybe a person has to soldier through an existential crisis in a certain way before they can reach an appreciable amount of awakening… or perhaps it just depends on the person.

34 years to get to this point and I think what pisses me off the most is that I’m beginning to see through the veil while still underneath it. Gandhi said, “You must be the change that you want to see in the world.” It feels a bit more complicated than that. Though the fires of change burn deep within, they do not go untouched by the cold winds without. It took me 34 years to get here – that’s 34 years of habits, desires, and entitlements, all needing to be reconditioned.

Today finds me extremely frustrated and disappointed in myself. Also, anxious, anxious for how this consumerist world views my feelings. I have to start here, become the change, champion the change, hope for a few people to not think me merely eccentric for change.

Today was great. Today was terrible. Head up and eyes open, let’s talk again soon.

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