Sometimes it’s fun to take a step back and look at yourself a little differently than you normally would. When Brianna goes out of town once or twice a year, I am given weekend opportunities go outside the town of my mind, which always ends up being an emotionally wild ride in one way or another. I’m not going to say that I’m not me when we are around each other, nor am I willing to concede to saying that I’m not me when I’m alone. What I will say is that given a short and very finite amount of alone time, just me and the puppies, I tend to go a bit rogue. I don’t think this is the person I would be if I were single and living alone, but deep within me certainly does contain a person not made readily available to the rest of the world.
What even got me writing about this? Well, it’s a Friday night and I’m alone in my living room with nothing but a pack of smokes and some Crooked Tree IPA. Brianna goes out of town and I immediately feel like buying a pack of smokes is ok, not cool. Honestly, I’ve only had a couple, so fuck off and leave me alone for a minute about it. Four days away from Aaron’s three year death anniversary and I’m just trying to make the best of what is by being what is not. Yeah I still miss him, and no, I can’t even begin to imagine what things in my life would have been different in the past three years if he had been around that whole time. That thought intimately scares me, not because I’m afraid of what might have happened, but because it’s been so long that my brain cannot even patch such a timeline change into existence.
I sat down thinking to write about why I act so differently when Brianna is out of town vs. when she is at home with the pups and I. Believe me or not, I didn’t actually know the answer until these muscular typing fingers o’mine brought us there together; I miss my bff. Lucky for me, I have more bffs left, to include Brianna and the Scoobies. Life without them is another timeline that I cannot, and do not, want to even pretend that I can imagine.
Let’s chat again soon.