Un peu

When I say “everything is ok in moderation,” I am often trying to make an excuse for some bad habit or another. The younger me used that excuse as a justification to do just about anything once, usually after the fact. Our lives are filled with choices that demand action! In the song “Freewill,” Rush sings it truly in that “Those who choose not to decide, still have made a choice.” This week has found me putting a lot of thought into the choices we make or don’t make, acknowledge or miss, and what the differences mean in the context of life.

The past month or so has brought some radical changes into my life. Well, months don’t bring anything into existence on their own, more accurate would it be for me to say that I have used the last month to bring about some radical changes. It has been really difficult for me to talk with other people about these changes for fear of judgement and persecution. My change is a large red sandstone rock, a beautifully fragile object to behold. Vulnerable, my rock sits atop the apex of a ridge, a weak nudge could easily send it barreling down the steep slope and into a mountainside that could unknowingly smash it to pieces.

I’m not afraid of defending my position to others, I’m afraid of defending my position to myself. I’ve seen people make the exact same changes that I’m making and I can remember how I reacted to them, both the positive and the negative bits. I struggle with a past self that was very open-minded, yet also very difficult to sway. Some preconceived notion lives within the heart of me, whispering words of doubt, “how can you expect them to understand when you couldn’t even figure this out.” The battle for self must be waged, if not won, else the changes might be undone.

I can do this, I did at least 10,000 steps a day, every day, for nearly 3 years: the internal fortitude exists. An important lesson from the Fitbit step journey came in the form of a realization that a daily goal for the sake of a daily goal will surely lose its meaning. Meaning… means, must be held in similar esteem as result, else we find ourselves blindly in search of destinations that do not exist, ignoring every exit sign that is not our own.

One Comment

  1. “how can you expect them to understand when you couldn’t even figure this out.” could have been my indian name. <3

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