This time of year is always so filled with love and positive vibes that I fail to mention of the negatives pressing in around my brain. For all of the love and community that I feel, there is also a part of me that doesn’t belong, and it’s glaringly obvious. For all of the good things that I’m able to contribute to the world, I am able to bring very little to this other world. If you know me even just a little bit, you know that I’m not very handy.
If you know me even just a little bit, you know that I’m not very handy – a fact that brings me more guilt than I’d like to admit. Knowing that you’re not good at something or that you don’t bring much to the table in certain areas is one thing, being surrounded by people who excel in all of those areas is quite another thing. I want to learn and to become better, I do, but sometimes the gap is too large to easily bridge. It’s like I’m watching Mozart compose the next great Sonata, pretending that watching his fingers dance across the keys will somehow make it possible for me to do the same. It’s a very humbling moment, realizing that the best and only quality you bring to a team is… a body, is basically nothing, is replaceable in every sense of the word. A desire to help meets a realization that becoming helpful just isn’t in the cards.
The intent of this writing is not to paint a dark cloud over these happy days. My intention is to cryptically tell the good along with the bad. I have felt the above truths in every year of these past few, each next year more acutely than afore. Good times that I’d like to be better, that’s all I’m saying. I want to be better but know that I won’t be, that’s all it is 🙂
Chat more soon.