Just a cup

Here’s the thing about emotional voids – games you were playing are no longer fun, the food you were eating no longer tastes the same, people you love don’t seem to love you as much, and it feels like nothing matters. No, I’m not describing depression. Depression would be a downward turn, this is a lack of turns. Rather than a “Whoa is me” scenario, this is more of a “Whoa, it’s me” scenario. This is a relatively new pattern in my life that is only just now getting one of my fingers pressed upon it in a realization that it’s an existing thing.

The upside of an emotional void is that it strips you down to a very basic version of your self. Imagine a world where you do not care about anything. A person who does not care about anything, they still have to get up and live a life. These things that we do in the absence of passion paint the clearest picture of who we actually are. Food, for example; what I eat when taste is not the driving factor says everything about my true dietary motivations. Games, for example; how I spend my free time when anything is as bland as the next thing, it’s pretty telling.

I want to care and to give and to love all the things. In fact, I was doing and zestfully feeling all three of those things no more than a week ago. It’s just that, at some point, the cup is neither half full nor half empty. A cup has no feelings, no contents, it’s just a cup. A cup is not empty. A cup is not full. Anything inside the cup is there because that’s where it belongs, not because it was poured there, but because it’s a part of the cup. This is all that I am right now, just a cup. It won’t be long before I’m back to my more than a cup way of being that I’ve grown accustomed to. For now, it’s fine, fine, fine.

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