My life is filled with dichotomies. These opposing forces are on my mind minutes after I wake up in the morning, they are what I think about in the moments before I fall asleep at night. I have a desire to live healthier but am unable to stop using nicotine. I want to reduce my environmental impact on the world, so much so that I’ve stopped eating meat and dairy, yet I keep using k-cups and drinking coffee every morning. I love school but spent very little time learning. I want to live my life with out regrets, yet am unable to turn down overtime hours at work. I am great with planning for the future but unable to visualize a world where I’m able to retire. There are so many unrealized parts of my belief system. It makes me sick to my stomach, morning to night.
Someone reading this might be thinking, “don’t be so hard on yourself.” I have to respond with, “if I’m not hard on myself, who will be?” This make-believe conversation reminds me of a real conversation that Starbird and I had via text a couple of weeks ago. I was having a particularly blue day, usually occurring when the afore mentioned personal dichotomies begin to break my spirit, and I was fishing for some motivation. She was telling me that I’m doing really good and that it’s ok to have bad days. My hardheaded reply was to say, “I don’t need you to make me feel good about where I’m at, I need you to help motivate me to where I want to be.” Kind of a dick move, I know. At the same time though, my words are not wrong.
We have all done great things with our lives. Every one of us could take the rest of the year or decade off in respect to all we have accomplished up to and including this point. That’s not how we should think though. There is at least one negative force acting upon and undoing everything we’re patting ourselves so heavily on the shoulder for. Money is spent, muscle is lost, weight is regained, people change, knowledge is lost, cells die, and memories are forgotten.
Our work can never be done. Atrophy is real.